Saturday, October 13, 2012

No Dream Is Too Big

Wow, it's been a while since I've written. School has been crazy--and life has been crazier. Honestly, people really annoy me and there's nothing I can do to make stupid people go away. But that's beside the point. Something has been on my mind a lot recently; there's something that I've been feeling that I just need to unleash. This feeling is freedom. Not from anything in particular (except maybe school), but just the general feeling of the word. Being able to pack up, drive to the beach, and just bum it for a while. Let the sand warm your feet and feel the cool ocean breeze spray over your body. Or maybe go to the mountains. Rent a condo for a week and ski, drink cocoa, and sit by the fire. Ooh, or take a cruise. Explore new cultures, peoples, and adventures. I basically just want to do anything except be here. I need to be surrounded by new people, new places, and new experiences.

I've recently started working on reestablishing one of my old passions. I've been doing little things throughout the day to get myself to where I need to be. It'll take time, but I'm determined to make it happen. If nothing else, I'll give it my best. But that's not enough to keep my mind occupied. There are too many questions holding me down. Too many responsibilities and expectations from people and they just keep adding more pressure. I have no money, yet I need a lot of it. I'm trying to work in the mean time, but that will only be a temporary solution. Nothing is filling that void. It's been inside of me for too long and it won't go away. I've thought through all the possibilities; nothing seems to make it go away. I've considered spending time alone, but that never works. I've tried going out with friends to forget about everything, but all that does is make me more poor.

I think that's what makes dreams so special. If it weren't for my dreams, I'd have nothing to motivate myself. I'd be a small town girl who sits at home all day and instagrams her cat and watches tv marathons. I want more than that out of life. I thought marriage would fill the void, but that's a joke. I thought and thought and thought. Nothing helps. My dreams are big; big enough to cover the lull my life is in right now. I just want to get out of this place. I want to go somewhere where I can be happy. I want to live life, explore, and experience new things all the time. I dream of the perfect job, of the perfect life, and I know it's achievable. I'm one of those people who doesn't do anything that doesn't make her happy. I'm not going to accept some crap job at McDonalds just because some prick thinks I need "job experience." Oh, okay. That makes zero sense and those people need to shut up. I'm only going to do what I love. I see no reason to make myself unhappy.

But this. This boring, monotonous life of waking up, going to school, doing homework, maybe having an hour or two of free time, and then sleeping... yeah, this life is killing me. I'm not meant for something like this. Yes, my dream might be "too big" or "unrealistic," but at least I have one (or four haha). And the idea of making that dream into a reality is what makes it possible to suffer through these next couple of months. It's what's going to make living alone for a year bearable. It's what gives me hope that my life will eventually mean something and that I'll make a difference in this world in a positive way. My dreams are what keep me from being a 9 to 5 employee in Bowling Green, Kentucky for the rest of my life.

I just wish my dreams were happening now. I've never been a patient person. Well, it's not even that. I just wish I had something to entertain myself with for the next year until I really knew what I was doing in life. Maybe I'll just buy a puppy.