Saturday, October 13, 2012

No Dream Is Too Big

Wow, it's been a while since I've written. School has been crazy--and life has been crazier. Honestly, people really annoy me and there's nothing I can do to make stupid people go away. But that's beside the point. Something has been on my mind a lot recently; there's something that I've been feeling that I just need to unleash. This feeling is freedom. Not from anything in particular (except maybe school), but just the general feeling of the word. Being able to pack up, drive to the beach, and just bum it for a while. Let the sand warm your feet and feel the cool ocean breeze spray over your body. Or maybe go to the mountains. Rent a condo for a week and ski, drink cocoa, and sit by the fire. Ooh, or take a cruise. Explore new cultures, peoples, and adventures. I basically just want to do anything except be here. I need to be surrounded by new people, new places, and new experiences.

I've recently started working on reestablishing one of my old passions. I've been doing little things throughout the day to get myself to where I need to be. It'll take time, but I'm determined to make it happen. If nothing else, I'll give it my best. But that's not enough to keep my mind occupied. There are too many questions holding me down. Too many responsibilities and expectations from people and they just keep adding more pressure. I have no money, yet I need a lot of it. I'm trying to work in the mean time, but that will only be a temporary solution. Nothing is filling that void. It's been inside of me for too long and it won't go away. I've thought through all the possibilities; nothing seems to make it go away. I've considered spending time alone, but that never works. I've tried going out with friends to forget about everything, but all that does is make me more poor.

I think that's what makes dreams so special. If it weren't for my dreams, I'd have nothing to motivate myself. I'd be a small town girl who sits at home all day and instagrams her cat and watches tv marathons. I want more than that out of life. I thought marriage would fill the void, but that's a joke. I thought and thought and thought. Nothing helps. My dreams are big; big enough to cover the lull my life is in right now. I just want to get out of this place. I want to go somewhere where I can be happy. I want to live life, explore, and experience new things all the time. I dream of the perfect job, of the perfect life, and I know it's achievable. I'm one of those people who doesn't do anything that doesn't make her happy. I'm not going to accept some crap job at McDonalds just because some prick thinks I need "job experience." Oh, okay. That makes zero sense and those people need to shut up. I'm only going to do what I love. I see no reason to make myself unhappy.

But this. This boring, monotonous life of waking up, going to school, doing homework, maybe having an hour or two of free time, and then sleeping... yeah, this life is killing me. I'm not meant for something like this. Yes, my dream might be "too big" or "unrealistic," but at least I have one (or four haha). And the idea of making that dream into a reality is what makes it possible to suffer through these next couple of months. It's what's going to make living alone for a year bearable. It's what gives me hope that my life will eventually mean something and that I'll make a difference in this world in a positive way. My dreams are what keep me from being a 9 to 5 employee in Bowling Green, Kentucky for the rest of my life.

I just wish my dreams were happening now. I've never been a patient person. Well, it's not even that. I just wish I had something to entertain myself with for the next year until I really knew what I was doing in life. Maybe I'll just buy a puppy. 

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Don't Tell Me Christians Can't Drink

Recently, I've been forced to withdraw from a position as a bible study leader because the pastor saw a picture of me drinking hard cider (over the summer in London btw). Apparently, drinking is wrong and it hurts my witness for those who see me. Not only do I fundamentally disagree, but this blog explains the reasons why. Although I'm sad that he is so stuck in his ways, this experience has taught me that, sometimes, Christians can be the most hypocritical, judgmental people and I need to be careful. When forming a new bible study, or even when deciding on a church, I need to make sure that the values of the church, organization, etc. are supported by what the bible says. 

Although I understand that each organization has their own rules and that, to abide by these rules, you might have to change something about your life, I also think that this mentality is constricting. Either I have a couple drinks every now and then and hide it, making it seem like I'm ashamed, or I do it and have these organizations look down on me as if they're any better. So, to back up why I believe what I believe (and why I'm standing up for this belief), I found verses to prove my point. Because, let's face it, in this whole situation, that certain "organization" hasn't shown any verses to back them up. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them or their guidelines; I'm simply saying that they might not have done all their homework on the matter. 

On the topic of drinking, Jesus warned against not being a "drunkard." Or, as we would call it today: a drunk or an alcoholic. Jesus never said anything about abstaining from drinking at all (like he did about sex, murder, and stealing). 

Ephesians 5:18

And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit.

Galatians 5:21 

Envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

1 Timothy 3:3 

[An overseer must not be] a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.

Matthew 15:11 

It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.

On top of that, Jesus' FIRST miracle was changing water into wine. Also, He hung out with those who drank and engaged with them so much so that those who did not truly know Him thought He was a drunk himself. 

Luke 7:33-35 

For John the Baptist has come eating no bread and drinking no wine, and you say, ‘He has a demon.’ The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’"

Deuteronomy 14:26 

And spend the money for whatever you desire—oxen or sheep or wine or strong drink, whatever your appetite craves. And you shall eat there before the Lord your God and rejoice, you and your household.

Proverbs 31:4-7 

It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine, or for rulers to take strong drink, lest they drink and forget what has been decreed and pervert the rights of all the afflicted. Give strong drink to the one who is perishing, and wine to those in bitter distress; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.

First miracle:  John 2:1-11 (The Wedding at Cana)
On the third day there was a wedding at Cana in Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Jesus also was invited to the wedding with his disciples. When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.” And Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does this have to do with me? My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” Now there were six stone water jars there for the Jewish rites of purification, each holding twenty or thirty gallons.[a] Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. And he said to them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the feast.” So they took it. When the master of the feast tasted the water now become wine, and did not know where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom 10 and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now.” 11 This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested his glory. And his disciples believed in him.

Jesus himself was accused of being a glutton and drunkard, so being judged by those who do not know me doesn't really bother me. Honestly, it means I'm doing something right. If people know I'm a Christian and I know it's okay to drink, then they will feel more comfortable coming up to me and talking to me. People will know that I will not judge them, and that they can feel comfortable around me. Also it gives me a good transition to talk to people about my faith and explain to them that being a Christian is about having a relationship with Him, not being stuck in old rules that people have severely twisted over the years. 

If you personally don't agree with drinking and you choose to stay pure of it in your own life, then I will not judge you. I have plenty of friends that do not partake in it at all for personal reasons. They know where I stand and I know where they stand, and we respect each other's decisions. However, I do not appreciate someone telling me that I cannot be a Bible Study leader because of my personal interpretation of what the Bible says about this topic. 

The picture in question
I mean no disrespect by writing this blog. But, it's my blog and I needed to vent about this situation. I've talked to my roommates about it enough and they all encouraged me stand strong with what I believe, which might mean sacrificing something. I will miss the kids in the study, but this issue is much deeper than simply being in a weekly small group. I personally feel like I need to be able to be who I am without hiding it. Enough people accept me the way I am and I don't feel the need to pretend to be something/something I'm not. 

Anyway, to those of you who have read this far, I hope it was at least educational to know why I believe what I believe. I'm not forcing anybody to think the way I do, and I'm not judging those who disagree. All I'm saying is that I think this whole situation is silly. Let's just agree to disagree, shall we?


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Dear Future Husband,

I'm a lot to handle. I'll tell you that right now. I get jealous when you look at other girls and I constantly need to know how you feel about me. The less often you say it, the less I feel it. That's just how I work. And I need you to be accepting of who I am. Realize that my feelings are hurt easily and remember to always use kind words. I'm a girl; if you call me fat, ugly, annoying, etc., I will remember it forever. Your words have the power to build me up or tear me down. It's your call.

However, I promise I will be loyal, loving, tender, and sweet. I will sacrifice myself just to make you happy. You will be my world and your wishes will come before mine. I will give you anything you want and I will do my best to be the most amazing wife in the world. I want you to shout our love from rooftops and be unable to control yourself around me. I don't care if you're shy, loud, or weird. I will love every part of you. I will love all your flaws and you will be the only man I see. All I ask is that you return the favor. I want to be the only girl you see and I want you to feel like the luckiest man alive. I want to be the most beautiful girl you've ever seen and I never want to question where your thoughts are. I want to feel secure with you, protected, and loved.

I want you to be my best friend. Through the good and the bad, I want to share my thoughts, feelings, and dreams with you. I want to fight like an old married couple, yet never doubt your love. I want to be silly with you, have serious conversations, and just lay in your arms and say nothing. I want all of it.

If that's too much, or if you find me demanding, then you aren't my future husband. If you aren't ready to give me the love and attention I need, then somebody else out there will. I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't want to get my heart broken. I don't have time to waste on the wrong person.

But if you are the right person. If you will do all those things with an open mind and a loving heart, then tell me. Actions speak loudly, yes, but not on their own. Without words backing them up, they will begin to seem empty; more of a routine than a gesture of love.

I'm not sure why I wrote this. I guess I had a bad night last night and I needed to get some things off my chest. Either way, I know who I want you to be. But I'm not sure if you want the same thing. I'm done being an emotional girl. I'm just gonna sit back, do what's best for my happiness, and live life to the fullest.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

My One Wish

So I was a complete girl today and watched a million chick flicks on TV. I finished most of the work I had to do, made some chamomile tea, and enjoyed spending time alone. Anyway, as you can imagine, this is going to be about love. Not to be a broken record, but I firmly believe that love is the most powerful feeling that two people can share. Yes, we all have our secrets, we all tell lies from time to time, and we all do things that we regret. But, when you can forget all that stuff and completely start over with someone, it's an amazing feeling. Knowing that they won't judge you, that they don't need to know everything about you, and that they are going to be there for you no matter what... It's such a relief.

Anyway, I was watching these movies and I started to think about all the stupid, emotional stuff I've done as a girl. I feel bad for poor Ian who had to hold us together through those times. I think back to what I said, how I felt, and what was going through my head, and I can't help but laugh. I'm such a girl. But that's not what I want to vent about. The general concept that really struck me today was that he really, truly is the man I need by my side forever. He's strong, passionate, brilliant... I could keep going, but I won't. Point being: as emotional and dumb as I get sometimes, I know that nothing in this world could make me really leave him. I would die. Okay, maybe not die, but my life would be worse. Maybe he's not the most vocal or spontaneous, but he's everything I could ever need and more.

As I watched these chick flicks, I kept thinking, 'that's not how real relationships are.' Yes, everyone has their problems, but the movies were so fictional. It really made me appreciate what I have and how real it is. Not to rush anything, but I do want him in my life forever. There's just no way around that. I think about waking up and making us breakfast, going out on date nights to keep things fun, encouraging him through everything he does, and going on family vacations with our children (waaaaay in the future).

I almost started crying. I just felt so happy. I've seen so many of my friends date guys, fall in love, and end up discovering that he wasn't the one. I used to fear that we could be in that same position one day, but I don't think we will be. Today, he came up behind me, kissed my shoulder, and whispered, 'I love you... and your peeling shoulder that I just kissed.' It was so freaking adorable. He will never fully understand how happy I am to be dating my best friend. I can tell him anything, but, even more than that, I don't have to tell him everything. I don't have to go into detail about things or go on and on about dumb drama or anything like that. We can sit in silence and still be perfectly happy.

I don't think anyone cares about the fact that I love my boyfriend, but I do think everyone can understand the feeling of wanting to spend your life with someone. I'm not concerned with rules or what people will think; I just know that I love him and I want him forever. Everyone's experienced love. Gay, straight, short, long, intimate, shallow... we all know love. We all know what it feels like to want to wake up and see that one face. Just being in his presence makes me feel safe and happy. Who wouldn't want to live with their best friend? Especially as college comes to an end and I continually think about my future, I just wish I could bypass the bullcrap and just be with him.

Summary: I am in love with my best friend and all I want is to be this blissfully happy with him forever. I don't care how long we've dated; I know what I know. I love my relationship. Curse these chick movies and making me feel all sappy. But it's true. Being in a genuine relationship is irreplaceable, and his happiness means more to me than anything else.

I'm done rambling. I just wanna dress up, pick him up, and go somewhere fancy just to show him exactly how I feel. Unfortunately, I'm horribly awkward and would probably giggle through the whole thing and ruin it. :P

Love is great :)

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Happy Anniversary, Babe.

I know there will come a day when time isn't counted in months, but in years and decades. But for now, each month together is still a special kind of accomplishment. Each month we learn things about each other, we fight, we laugh, we cry (well- I do haha), and we grow closer in little ways. This day doesn't mean anything to anybody else, but it means the world to us. Even when we can't spend it together, he is always in my heart and on my mind. No matter how many little fights we have or how busy I am with school, there is never a moment where I wish he wasn't beside me.

I know nobody will read this and that this post basically has no meaning, but that's fine. I didn't want another long, sappy post about how amazing Ian is or how much I love him because sometimes a little can say a lot. So, happy anniversary. I love you.

He's gonna hate me for this, but isn't he so cute?! :D

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Warning: Sappy Post Ahead

So, I'm in love. There's just no other way to say it. I feel like that sentence sums up every feeling I have right now. I have an amazing boyfriend, he treats me like a princess, and he makes me the happiest woman in the world. I'm sure my super-cheesy post will go un-noticed, but this is my blog and I want to talk about my wonderful man. But where to start?

Have you ever closed your eyes and imagined yourself in someone's arms? No matter if it was a specific person or if anyone would do, we all know that feeling of wanting to feel complete. Naturally, we understand that we aren't built to go through life alone. No matter what religion we practice, what our sexual orientation, or how we feel about relationships, we all have a deep-rooted desire to have that partner. To have someone you know will do things with you. It's more than a best friend; it's a partnership. Ian and I make decisions together, we compromise, sacrifice, and do what makes us both happy. If I have to give up something arbitrary just to be with him and make him happy, then it's worth it.

Don't get me wrong, I've dated before. I've been "in love" and thought I "knew I had found the one." I was wrong (thankfully!), but I've been down that road. I've been hurt, lied to, cheated, used, etc. That's part of life. It's easy to think your first love is the right one, or that everything is perfect and your relationship has no problems, but that's never the case. You can't know what love truly is if you don't learn what love isn't. But that's the thing I love about my relationship: we KNOW we have our problems, but we work through them. There is absolutely nothing in this world that means more to me than he does.

It's been a long journey for me. Though he'd done the long-term thing before, I hadn't. From the outside, relationships seem like this happy thing full of love and laughter. Turns out, there are fights, arguments, and tears. It just comes with the territory. Now, that's not to say that I'm not extremely happy, but you get the idea. Anyway, I had to learn to trust him. It's not easy to believe that he will "never leave me" when every other guy said that and then left. I had to learn not to assume that a fight meant it was over between us and I REALLY had to stop pushing him to his limit to test him. Regardless of all that, he stuck with me, worked through everything with me, and proved what a wonderful man he really is :)

NOW, the fun stuff. What do I love? I love that he's mine. That's an easy first. I love that he's coming to Europe with me so that we don't have to be apart all summer. I love that I know I will always have someone to protect me, provide for me, love me, hold me, and treat me the way I need to be treated. I love that I can be my complete self around him and feel comfortable with him. I love that I will get to start a family with him and have dinner ready for him when he gets home. I love that I get to satisfy him, encourage him, and support him until he accomplishes every dream he has. I love that I never have to worry about him cheating on me, being lustful toward other people, or disrespecting me in any way. I love that he's so talented in so many areas and that he is skilled to do the most fascinating jobs. I love his work ethic and his drive to get things accomplished.

I love the way he holds me when I cry and tells me everything will be okay. I love the way he gets me coffee when I need it and doesn't make fun of me for my obsession. I love that he encourages me to do what I love and pushes me to make my dreams come true, too. I love that he believes in me and guides me where I need to go. I love that he keeps me level-headed (if you know me, then you know that's a big one!). I love how he possesses what I lack, and vice versa. I love how perfectly well we fit together and how he's everything I need. I love that he encourages me spiritually and challenges me to be the best person I can be.

There are so many little things, intimate things, and personal things that I doubt he will want me to share, but still. I love him. I love him with my whole heart. True Love, the way it's supposed to be. Whenever I think of how much I love him, I always think of these verses: "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:8 
"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." 1 John 4:16

Anyway, I doubt anyone actually read this far, and I'm sorry I ranted. I could honestly keep going, but I think it's time to sleep. In case you can't tell, I love Ian. Very, very much. He is truly the most incredible man in the world and I hope one day I can spend my life with him. 

Monday, March 26, 2012

I'm So Glad I Don't Have to Deal with That Anymore

There comes a time when even the strongest woman breaks down. She feels lonely, ugly, useless, lost, helpless... It's pretty bad and she will start to think that she will be alone forever. She will lower her standards and fall for any nice guy that comes her way. It is a dark time and it's something nobody ever speaks about. We hide it.

However, depending on the woman, that time might last a week or two years; it always depends. Apparently the girls on Tumblr seem to think they will "never, ever" find a man. It's annoying to me. It's frustrating to see so many young ladies whine and complain that their "prince charming" hasn't come yet. Be patient. He will be worth it. Ladies, all of you are beautiful and wonderful in your own way. There is a man out there who will love you for who you are and love your every imperfection.

For me, that man has already come. Not to get ahead of myself, but I wanna keep this one forever. Of course I have felt ugly and lonely. I've dated people before and fallen for the nicest boy I could find. But it wasn't enough. Something was always missing. There was something deep down that told me that it wasn't right. But then he found me. Yes, we have our problems. We fight and yell and get frustrated with each other, but who cares. No matter what, we are there for each other. We are madly in love and there is nothing that could pull me from him. I would do anything for him, no matter what. He's crossing an ocean for me. I'd say that's big. He visits me whenever he can and he makes me feel so amazing. With him, I feel confident, happy, safe, loved, comfortable... it's perfect.

He's my best friend. He will be silly with me, cook with me, call me when I'm crying, and hug me when I'm upset. I'm not perfect and neither is he. But, we're perfect together. It doesn't matter if I'm happy, sad, mad, or crazy, when I'm with him, I'm happy. I could be ugly crying and babbling uncontrollably, but if he's there, then I know everything will be okay.

He's brilliant, talented, funny, sweet, crazy, manly, goofy... mine. He's all mine. I'm not one of those girls to date a guy and plan my entire life around any new guy in my life, but he's different. I *want* him in my life. And he wants me. It's amazing. Living alone doesn't make sense. Why would I NOT live with the man I love?! I could curl up on the couch with coffee and a good book and know I'm safe and happy with him there beside me.

I'm rambling. Sorry. Well, screw that. It's my blog and I'll ramble about him if I want to. But, to anyone reading this, just don't lose hope. Love yourself for who you are. Embrace your quirks, hobbies, obsessions, and never change for someone else. Better yet, never try to change anyone else either. Simply love them for who they are. The good and the bad. Respect his fears, dreams, and desires. Be there for him the way you want him to be there for you. Don't set him up for failure. Be honest, blunt, and open.

I just love him so much :)

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Some People Call Me High Maintenance

In the background of my mind lies the muffled insults society claws into my brain. I'm too fat. I'm too ugly. I want too much. I just need to be happy. I'm weird. No one will ever love me. I need this; I need that. Blah, blah, blah...

The way I see it: I just know what I want. I don't want shiny shoes or a fancy car that looks sweet and drives like crap. I don't want Prince Charming and I really don't want popular kids.

I want a real, genuine life. Is that too much to ask?

I want a man to love me, not "despite" the fact that I'm fat, but because, to him, I honestly am perfect. I want a comfortable home that is filled with happiness and love. I want to take care of my husband and raise compassionate children. I want to shield them from the dangers of the world, but not leave them naive like I am. I want to work doing what I love, and retire still doing it. I want a beautiful wedding with the man of my dreams. I want to be happy in life and feel secure. I want people to be blunt with me in a loving way, and I want them to forgive my mistakes. I want to learn from my past and never repeat the bad stuff. I want to make my husband's life better each day by encouraging him, respecting him, and satisfying him in every aspect. Most importantly, I want people to see me and immediately know something's different about me. I want them to see me as a kind soul and a loving person. Through this, I will share God's love.

I'm human. I make mistakes and I am by no means perfect (just ask the boyfriend). But I do love someone who IS perfect, and I have my man to lead me back to God when I lose my way. This post isn't about my faith; it's about the fact that I will not shove my beliefs down your throat.

Yes, of course I think my "religion" is the right one. So do Jews, and Buddhists, and Muslims. Everyone does. That's the point. I don't care if you're atheist, agnostic, Hindu, whatever. You are human. Gay, straight, bisexual, asexual... I LOVE ALL OF YOU. I may not know most of you (but it would be nice to meet if you want), but I don't care. If you are walking on this Earth, then I love you. You have your dreams, and I have mine. Instead of hating one another because we're different, let's embrace it and make the world a better place through it.

Now I sound like a hippie. All I'm saying is that I don't care what society says about you BECAUSE THEY ARE WRONG. They are wrong about me and they are wrong about you.