Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Maybe two is better than one

[Background story: Okay, so there is this picture frame that sits on my desk at school. My parents gave it to me after I got baptized because they assumed I had a picture to put in it. Now, of course I do. But, because of the fake picture already in it, my immediate reaction is to replace it with a picture of me and someone I love. I still have not filled in the frame. Not that I don't love my friends, but no picture I've taken seem to replace this "romantic" one. ]

Today, I realized that one of her nails isn't colored. Just one. Did the photographer not notice, or was it a mess up? Either way, it made me feel worse. She's not worrying about her nails, or the way her hair falls, because she's in love. (Yes, I understand it's a posed picture, but follow me.)

Why do we let ourselves become so insecure around people we don't know (well heck, sometimes even those we do know)? The person that you give your life to forever will not care about those petty things. He(/She) will love you for who you really are. Your jokes, your laugh, the way silly things make you smile, or the strange looks that only he can fully understand. He already loves you, even if you don't know him.

I have become a victim of this lately. Part of me has given up on love and the other part of me wants to keep trying, but can't. It's like a circle: I don't know how it started, nor if it'll end, but it just keeps going. I don't care what I look like around campus because it obviously doesn't make a difference anyway, but also I look at other people and think, I wish I had... Whatever it may be, other people always seem to have it.

I've decided to not care. This is me. I am who I am and I refuse to change for one person/thing/whatever just because the world says so. You know what? I love coffee, and I'm going to drink it. I'll eat when I'm hungry and sleep when I'm tired. I go to class because I have to, but I learn because I want to. I refuse to get an eating disorder just so I can be invisible when I turn sideways, but I'm not going to eat takeout five times a day. I'll run when I'm lazy and play when I'm bored. It's time to let the joy pour out in everything I do and kill the mopey dwarf forever. I have happiness because I have God. I have no reason to be insecure other than it's easier to hide than to put yourself out there for other people to tear down. That's a characteristic that I've never liked about myself, so I'm getting rid of it. Insecurity is for those without Christ. It's my time to stand confidently in the Love that was given to me.

This is not supposed to be a depressing post, but an optimistic one. See, today I was talking to a friend and I have her my internal debate about a trip she wants to take. The optimistic thoughts and the pessimistic ones going head-to-head. It was like the battle of Troy: pessimistic thoughts snuck in and over-took everything else I was thinking. There were bombs and light-sabers and everything... She told me I was being silly. That made me (re)over-analyze the situation. She was right. There is no harm in trying something. The worst that can happen is nothing. Yeah, maybe I wasn't meant to do that, but I'm meant to do something else. People become depressed when they cross something/someone off this metaphorical list, but I think it's a happy thought. Good, one less thing I have to think about because I know I wasn't meant to be a whatever-it-is nor end up with whats-his-face.

I'm understand that my blog posts are always scatter-brained, and I'm sorry about that. (fyi: my Tumblr is much more organized) But that's why I enjoy blogger: it creates a neat place for all of my messy thoughts.

Anyway, I hope everyone has an amazing day. Don't forget to show love everywhere you go :)

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